Hush

Have you ever gotten to the point where you get so upset, mad or fed up with someone you just want to scream at them? And have you ever felt like that but you don't do anything about it? You just let it fester and it gets worse and worse and you just don't know what to do? Well I do.

Seth. Oh Seth...what am I going to do with him? So he and Peal broke up a bit ago and I've been there for him just in case he needed some to talk or hang out with. Well all last week I kept asking and he said he was fine, so friday I made plans with Hayden. Right before I step in the shower he sends me a four page text. Saying that its time for some break up comfort time and that he wants to hang out. He wants to maybe cover a song and tells me that he wants me to try out drums for the band. And maybe go to town and go to one store that one store I told him about but he doesn't remember the name of it.

Confused? Well let him back up. Seth has three or four major issues. Number one is planning. When Seth gets excited about something new he's all hyped up and has all kinds of ideas that he wants to try out. But the day he loses the motivation and the project goes back into the closet with the other forgotten ideas. At one point between writing a musical/opera and writing a book, Seth wanted to make a band. He wanted it to be like Emilie Autumn, Rasputina, and Apocalypita. A industrial/victorian band. According to Seth he would play cello and I would play violin or piano or both. But the thing is he mentioned it once or twice and then after that nothing until last friday.

I tell him that I already made plans and he replies that he's home alone till midnight. I tell him that we should hang out the next day but he tells me he has plans already. I didn't hear from him until later that night when I got home. I was chatting to him online asking him if he was ok. He said he was and we started talking. Seth's second and third problems are listening and vision. You see when Seth has an idea he doesn't listen to what others want to offer. It has to be exactly how he sees it and that's that. It doesn't matter if you don't like his idea that's not his problem its yours. 

So I ask about the drums and he tells me that any song needs a beat. Well no frickin' duh. I ask him why me and he says that he needs someone that is reliable to do it. I go on to say that I'm not that musically inclined. Hell I only know "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on piano so there's no way that I could even play anything at all. Let alone violin or the drums. I tell him that we could get one of his other friends to do it and I could do vocals or something but only if he's really serious about doing a band. He says that he wants me to do it and I say no. I continue to say that we could always record drum beats and play other instruments or get some techno beats. He's not changing his mind. He gives me "I'll think about it...". I say ok and go to bed.

At six this morning he asks me if I can take him to church. I get ready and text him repeatedly that I'm on my way to his house and that he'd better be ready. When I drive up to his house and bang my fist on his windowI see that he's not ready. In fact he just woke up. So, I wait for the longest time for him to get ready. We end up being late for church. On the way up there he tells me that he's sorry for falling asleep. I ask him why so tired and he says that its because of the party he went to. 

All this time I'm thinking about how I'm moving off and how Seth is about to graduate and move off too. But he's still so immature. I worry about him. He has all these flaws and issues and I've been trying to help him for so long but he doesn't listen. I've lied to him countless times to him saying that when I move off I'll still visit and that I'll be there for him if he needs me, but I don't know if I can. Better yet I don't know if I want to. I've dealt with Seth's problems and drama for so long and I don't know if I can do it anymore. I mean when I'm upset he won't be there for me but when something's wrong with him I'm speeding down the highway to get to him. Our entire relationship is unbalanced. I give and he takes. He's like my little brother and I need time to myself now. Seth has to realize that in life you can't say you're going to do something and when it gets tough you toss it away. When you make a commitment you stand by your word instead of getting out of it last minute (issue four). That people don't give a rat's ass about you most of the time. And in life you're going to have to do stuff by yourself instead having people take you by the hand and show you. He needs to get over all this childish crap about wanting to be an individual when he only wants attention. He needs to listen to the advice of people who have been in situation and learn that not everyone is going to be your friend.

After I dropped him off I went to brother-in-law's birthday party. And while I'm there he tells me that he probably won't come to church tonight. I ask him why. Seth tells me he wants to be sure that he and Pearl are truly broke up before he starts telling people that he likes another girl. Its been one week and already he has someone new? I dated IDS-Girl for eight months and I it took me a long time before I could even go out on a date again. He dated Pearl for a year and in a week he has someone else. No time to reflect and grow just jumping back into another relationship...if he even knows what that word means.

I want to yell at him so bad. I want to smack him and tell him to grow up and to stop being so stupid. I want to say wake up to reality, it sucks. Deal with it. I want to say all that I've just written to him...but I won't. If anything I'll just call less often and visit other people more than I will him.

I have all these thoughts and voices in my head that are angry and concerned. But I hush them for my voice will never reach his deaf stubborn ears.

Hushed,

Icarus