The Long Goodbye

Last night I had a dream. It was all bits and pieces and I could barely remember most of it. The only part that can remember was this. I'm on the ground and its very bright in my room, except my room is completely empty and only has a window. I can see myself and I slowly stand up and I see my dad staring out the window as the sun rises. He says something and I don't hear it, its all muted and then he's gone. My sister, Marie, tells me that Dad is dead. And I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. I don't know if this is from shock or what all I know is that I just don't feel. I even smile and joke about his death saying "at least I won't have to clean up after him". I wake up to the sound of my nieces making a giant mess in the living room and I just feel terrible.

All day I've been wondering if I have any emotion at all. I mean I've had morbid dreams before but mocking my own father's death? How horrible is that? And with my nieces being absolutely horrible today I knew that I could still feel anger, exhaustion, the feeling of wanting to give them a good spanking, and complete happiness when they were gone.

So I just go about my business today. Made a list of books I need to buy for school, surfed on the web, took a quiz or two. Just killed time. Its nearly 6:10 when I call my other sister, Pam, and ask where they are. She tells me that Grandmother's body is starting to shut down. I'm taken aback for a few seconds. I mean she's been in hospice for about a year and a half now. We all saw this coming for a long time now. And yet...I was still surprised by this news. She tells me they'll be home in an hour or two and I just hang up the phone.

When I first heard the word hospice I really didn't know what to think. I had never heard the word before. I found out when I started waching Heroes. I know that sounds lame and all but I didn't understand the gravitiy of the situation. I just thought it was a group a doctors to treat the alizmiers. Anyway when I saw that Peter was a hospice nurse it finally hit me that my grandmother was going to die a lot sooner than I would have hoped.

Death is a familiar thing in my family. My mom grew up in a funeral home and had many family members that: dug graves, made tombstones etc. She had many, many older relatives so we attended funerals often. I stopped going when I was eight because the majority of the time I had never met these people before and I felt wrong crashing their wakes. I went to my grandad's at the age of ten and then again when i was sixteen for my friend, Emma, when her grandpa died. Although I'm ok with death and I accept it...I don't like to be around it. I don't I guess I like being reminded about death. But you can't escape hearing about it. Its a part of life. Its the whole point to life.

But I think the main reason is because of my memories. I haven't visited my grandmother mostly because of my memories of her. Before she worked a county office and was very independent. She was funny and strong and you just couldn't bring that woman down. I loved that woman so much. I spent more weekends at her house than my own home. She was the first adult to not treat me like a little kid. She listened to me and made me feel like I was important. But when we moved her into assisted living because she kept falling down at her house I knew that the woman I knew was slowly leaving me. Then she lost the use of her legs and became confined to a wheelchair. I was just so surprised to see the woman I knew reduced to this.

Another thing I hate is old folks homes. They reek of old flowers, death, and the air is just so stale. And it has all these people that are so far gone most of them are asking you to pull the plug for them. I couldn't believe that my grandmother was living here. And then...one day we went to visit her and I didn't know the woman that was lying in her bed. After that I have been grieving for my grandmother. I visited as little as possible so I could remember how she used to be. And after a while I went through the motions when I was forced to visit her.

After hearing what my sister had told me I was sad. I went my eyes water and I started to cry. I couldn't stop. I'm still crying and I don't want to anymore. I knew this was going to happen. I've been planning for how I'm going to help Mom through it when it happens. I was ready for this and now I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do now. How to help. Everything just seems so pointless now.

I feel a little better now that I've written this out...but I'm not completely better. At least I know I'm still human and that I can still feel.


Saying goodbye,


Icarus.