Tiera's Testimony

     When you come home from school, or a long day of work, did you stop and notice, even once, that you have "home" to come to??? A lot of people say, well, if I pay the bills here than this is my home but it's so much deeper than that.

    A home is where you lay your head, peacefully and where you can always be sure to feel welcome and loved. Home is where you look forward to going to after the world seems too much to deal with. Home is where you feel relaxed and at ease, like you're free from judgemental eyes and hostile remarks. I have never had a home. From the time I was 5, I have lived a constantly changing nomadic life, with no real place to say "Ahhhh this is my home." I've lived in every homeless shelter available, and every homeless program known in Chattanooga. And on rare occasions, I've lived under the same roof as junkies.

    Growing up, I knew something was wrong that my life wasn't consistent, but as I grew older, I refused to acknowledge it and I placed it in a closet in my mind, never daring to open the door to that closet. As was my relationship with God. I knew He was there, watching over me, and that if I prayed to Him, He would hear me and answer. But I decided to turn away from Him and pretend He was not there.The only indication that showed that I knew I was different from everyone else was that I hated my mom with a passion in my heart. There was no indication that I knew God was with me. And I liked it that way.

    Over time, while laying my head in all of these different places, I fell into some very bad habits. I began to watch porn, cheat, lie, steal, disrespect my elders, and the list goes on. I realize now that I didn't even like doing the things I was doing, it was all done because I was bored and had too much time on my hands. I began to become more aware of my Heavenly Father, and knew that if  He walked in on me doing something that I shouldn't be doing, I would feel stupid. So I pushed Him into the back of my mind again. I was running away from Him so that I may continue doing the things my flesh wanted to.

    Well, life went on like this until one day I went to vacation bible study with my cousins, and there was a teenage minister. IT BLEW MY MIND!!!  I thought it was the greatest thing ever and I admired the way he loved the Lord so much and how he could stand up and minister the Gospel to us so carefree. I felt every word he said, and started taking notes. That Sunday, I attended the church service and I cried my eyes out. For a while, I began going to that church, and my realization of my sin grew.  But I dropped out of the church. 

  When I went to Brainerd High for the first time, I started a relationship with a steady "church goer" and one day, I came to his church. I began to come every week and every wednesday evenings. Soon, every time my pastor gave the offer of baptism, my knees would shake. Satan was right on my heels. The porn that I had watched had taken over my mind and I had the idea that I was interested in girls. I proclaimed myself as a bisexual. When it came time for me to be baptized, I had already had sex with a girl more than once, and started a relationship with her.

    Later, I realized that I wasn't into girls. I think it was the little gaurdian angel on my shoulder telling me that it wasn't right. I got tired of the guilt and knowing that God was watching me with disgust and I rid myself from every female that I knew was a bisexual or gay. In that same month, I began to have a daily devotion at a set time, and nothing came before that. I attended church regularly and was an active member. Over the summer, I ministered to children, and saw many of them come to know Christ as their Savior. I began fasting and sacrificing things for Him to know Him better, and grow closer to Him.

    Looking back on all of the things that I've done, I realize that I'm only a broken vessel and that the only way to become whole is with the help of my Maker. I know that I cannot possible try to fix myself because I did not create myself. And more importantly, I now see that if I can screw up that many times, and turn my back to You and scoff at all who follow You and then finally FINALLY come to You, begging You to forgive me, to love me, to cleanse me, to save me, and You do it for me after all of that......You're someone I need to get to know and love and cherish. I need to stick to You and focus only on You. I need to give You my all and make You my everything as You truly are my everything.