I woke up this morning. I was content.... I was just fine. I went
out for my run, went to church, and then I came home. No big
deal. Got in the shower, played with Shadow, ate breakfast. It was
a normal morning. I couldnt stop thinking about Chris the whole
time. (thats normal lately, I think about him ALL the time) I went
upstairs to start my homework at about 8. Oh joy, gotta love
school. I signed on to meebo like always. said hi to a few people,
nothing major. Then I saw that Chris had signed on. I was super
excited! Hes normally never awake that early, but he had to get up
early this morning, which was cool with me cuz i got to talk to
him. I had spoken to him the night before about the christmas
present that I wanted. I finaly found it. Its a beautiful promise
ring from Zales. I sent him the link and he was like... I can do
that. I love that boy. I was so exctatic. The thought of promising
myself to him for the rest of my life put me on this mental high
that no one could break me from. We talked for a bit and then he
had to go.... But he came back. I told him that I love him and we
talked about the ring again because i was afraid that it was too
much money. He said it wasnt and whatever I wanted is what I would
get. Then he left again because he was going to leave with his mom.
But arount 1030, he came back on. I said hi, and he typed.... for
like five minutes straight. When he finished, the message that I
got was one that changed my life and made me go from ultimate high
to a never ending low. In that one IM, he told me that although he
loved me with his whole heart, he still has feelings for his ex
girlfriend. He told me that he doesnt want to be in a relationship
right now because of that. He said that it is not fair to me if he
is thinking of her when hes with me. I was (and still am) so
confused. This girl.... she said some really mean stuff to him and
it just made me hate her so much. (He was telling me about it last
night..... And I was like well i need to kick her ass. He was like
no, you'll find out soon enough that what she said isnt true.)
Just a few nights ago, he told me that he would never leave me. No
matter what. He would never hurt me. How is this not leaving? How
is this not hurting? After that first IM, i broke down. I NEVER cry
when it comes to boys. And with him, I've cried TWICE. The
first time because I wanted to tell him that I love him, but I
didnt want it to scare him away, and now the second time because I
dont want to lose him. He is my world..... my everything. We talked
for a little bit after that about why and stuff..... I couldnt (and
still cant) stop crying. Then he had to leave. So, I sat down on
youtube and wrote him an email. It said:
"Chris,
You have no idea how hurt and confused I am right now. I dont
understand why you are doing this and why you still have feelings
for her. She said some pretty mean stuff to you. Please. Just
please dont do this. I understand that you dont want to hurt me,
but doing this is only hurting me more. I dont want to lose you. I
just got you back. How can you fall in love and then just walk away
from it?
Just do me a favor. Dont forget about me. Dont put her back as your
top friend and shove me in to the back of your mind. I love you so
much, but I dont want to be second best. So this is me, saying that
yes, I am willing to wait. I want you to take this time as an
opportunity to get over her, but I dont want it to be a time for
you to try and get back together with her. I hope that we can work
things out.
Someone once told me that if you love something, you should let it
go. If it doesn't come back, it was never meant to be. I hope
that you come back. As soon as you spoke to me, I felt as if i had
known you my whole life. And it frightened me. You are the person
that I am meant to love, and from that moment to right now, my life
hasnt been the same. I love you not only for who you are, but for
who I am when I am with you. I just need you to understand that
love is not a 'maybe' thing. Not to me anyway. Love is
patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Sometimes you need to forget what you want and remember what you
deserve. You deserve to be loved. She obviously isnt going to do
that for you. Right now I feel like I am nothing you want, but I
know that I am everything you need. Nothing hurts more than being
friends with someone knowing that you are both in love with each
other and yet not being together.
In case you were wondering, you mean everything to me right now. I
cant stop thinking about you. I cant stop wishing you were here
with me. I hope that you forget her, because there is no way that I
can ever stop loving you.
Love with all my heart,
Saray"
I need help. He hates self harm... Hates it when I cut. But this
pain???? It is more than injury worthy..... I cant deal with
this.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Ultimate High to Never Ending Low
user
- Let’s talk: Comment (3) | Blog
- Email to a Friend
- Print this Page
Syndication:
From the Community…
Comments 1-3 of 3
-
Posted by Tue Oct 27, 2009 11:58am PDT
Report AbuseI completely understand where you are coming from right now...I have close to the same problem with someone I love more then anything...and he is scared of himself more then he is me but he won't admit it. We bought a wedding set at the very beginning of May 2009 and then in June he turned tail and totally changed his attitude towards me...telling me he loves me but right now he just cant be with me...then come to find out he has this other chick living with him already and it's all to much for me to handle. I am sorry it is happening to you but you are not alone out there...i know i'm not the only one out there with this problem but if you ever want to or need to talk...send me a msg anytime...keep your chin up...we have to or we will end up hurting everyone we love (that's the only thing keeping me going is that thought)
-
Posted by Tue Oct 27, 2009 12:03pm PDT
Report Abusesorry gurl, about ur situation...its true though to be friends and yall care about each other but can't be together, i understand that one all too well. Loverboy is confused, he says he loves you and im sure he means it but did he move on too quickly with you after he broke up with his last gurl? Even though she hurt him bad he still has feelings for her, just like when a woman has an abusive husband yet stays with them for years and have his kids...im sorry ur in the middle of it all but you cant rush things, and you cant put urself on hold waiting for him to come back, it could be the very reason why he's not with you now. You will always be there so he thinks he doesn't have to move on as quickly for you. NEVER allow yourself to wait for someone where there is no gaurentee, sure talk to him and be his friend but don't open yourself up to him too much or he might hurt you agian, let him recognize the pain he's giving you. YOU are going to school and doing what you gotta do so do that. Make yourself your own priority cuz no one else is gonna do it for you. You could even just date from time to time to have company, have fun if your emotionally ready for it. If your not then relax, breath, do yoga or something that keeps you occupied and healthy. You said you go to church, PRAY PRAY PRAY that your life is going in the right direction that the Lord's will be done with your life and that you are fulfilling his plan. Take one day at a time, and trust that evrything will eventually work out.
-
Posted by Tue Oct 27, 2009 12:50pm PDT
Report Abusejust ignore him and he`ll comeback..........thrust it wrks dnt call him or talk to him then he`ll want u???????
Comments 1-3 of 3
leave your comment
You must sign in to post a comment