Parenting
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Incredible Disappearing Family
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When my son was born, it was
a packed house. No less than ten people were on hand when, after
almost fifty hours of labor in the hospital, he was
vacuum-suctioned out of his mother. Nurses, the midwife, the
on-call vacuum-specialist (a woman who seemed to swoop in out of
nowhere, making the last-minute birthing hail Mary) and a few
doctors were all on hand. Outside in the waiting room were all the
members of my wife's side of the family (mine live far away,
but were sitting by the phone, waiting to hear the
outcome).
My son had to stay in the hospital, Bellevue, a few extra
days, suffering from a difficult delivery and high bilirubin
scores. My wife was laid up for three more days. All the family was
around us, and one of the uncles, in a moment of enlightened
selflessness, brought us a full meal on the second day, something
the both of us, my wife especially, desperately needed. A few days
later, after time under the tanning lights, our son's jaundice had
receded and we took him home. The experience was heart-warming: it
felt as if all hands were on deck, and help would, for the
foreseeable future, be close by.
After a hastily organized bris
on the traditional eighth day, the family went their own ways. My
wife's father went back to Los Angeles. The uncles went back to
their homes in the same borough as us, close enough that a phone
call could have them at our apartment in minutes. But little did I
know that once the baby was home, the concept of help would become
more hypothesis than reality, a contentious notion that created a
serious family schism.
Being first-time parents, we
weren't quite sure what to expect from our relatives. But it
was just an assumption that aunts and uncles would pitch in, and
that in fact, they would want to pitch in:
perhaps bring a meal over every once in a while, or offer to do a
little house cleaning, or even babysit a few hours here and there.
About this, we were dead wrong.
My mother-in-law stayed
for the first three months. Her help was enormous, not only lending
a hand and waking up through the night, but also sharing her
experiences raising three children with us. But she couldn't
stay forever and left for the West Coast after the third
month.
My wife and I took
the reigns, and things went as well as they could have as we
developed our own patterns of parenting. But after about six
months, we realized that there was a scarcity of calls from the
uncles and aunts: even the grandfather back in Los Angeles seemed
over it all. Neither a "how is everything" call was
received, nor were even the simplest of text messages sent. We
began to feel hurt from what we perceived as a void of caring from
my wife's immediate relatives. We would hear about these two
couples having brunches together and wonder, why couldn't we be
invited? We're totally morning people now!
We would be invited for dinner, but because of
the challenging schedules of a young baby, attending these was
next-to-impossible. Turning down these invitations was perceived
from their perspective as a slight, but they couldn't possibly
understand the physical and psychological exhaustion we were going
through.
This was the beginning of our
estrangement from the uncles and aunts, four people who lived
ridiculously close to us.
We cycled through a myriad of
feelings. We were afraid to call to ask for help, for fear of
rejection. We also worried that if we did call, we would come
across as too demanding. We also thought — though this was unspoken
— that perhaps asking for too much help would be seen as a sign of
weakness, as if we were saying, no, we can't raise this child
on our own: we need help.
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Related: parents, family, disappearing, birth, baby, babble
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Posted by STRAWBERRY Fri Nov 6, 2009 10:57am PST
Some people feel as if you might need peace and quiet and want time alone. If you don't say anything or ask for help, how are your family members to know you need them. You sounded kind of selfish to expect them to be there. After all, it was you and your wife's decision to have a child. I'm sure your aunts and uncles have raised their children.
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Posted by me Fri Nov 6, 2009 11:26am PST
Congratulations...now that that's over speak up! It sounds like they are giving you as new parents space...admittedly too much space but from their presence at the birth and ther after I can't imagine them not being willing to help. The truth is that's how it was done back in the day. Alot of help until the baby was born healthy then everyone leaves the parents to bond with their child until the parents reach out to them. I agree that they are taking it to the extreme by not even calling to check on you new baby but I definitely say speak up! It sounds like they love you.
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Posted by WJ Fri Nov 6, 2009 12:25pm PST
You should not assume others want to pitch in. And believe it or not, the aunts and uncles may have other things going on in their lives.
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Posted by Appletini Fri Nov 6, 2009 1:13pm PST
If there are a lot of people involved, they might assume others are still helping out and you are overwhelmed. Unless you say something directly they might not understand.
As an auntie.. well I have no clue how to care for a newborn and it seems like really exhausting work. More than.. say a newborn kitten which must be fed every 2 hours, kept in a pocket, and wiped with a washcloth to get it to poop. Yes I have been a babysitter for humans on occasion. But I cannot even change a diaper without help. I don't know how to DO anything and when the nipper cries and pees I get upset, and then think the parents will be mad that "I'm doing it wrong."
Have you considered hiring a night nanny?
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Posted by An Fri Nov 6, 2009 1:24pm PST
This might have been the most ridiculous article I've ever read. Just because you have a baby, even if it's the first in the family, doesn't mean the entire world now revolves around you. Don't be afraid to ask for some help if you need it, but don't get pissed just because they aren't offering to bring you meals THREE MONTHS after your child is born or begging to let them babysit every weekend. As a single aunt to three kids that I love more than I could ever say, I can also tell you that I don't ask to baby sit every weekend. I have a life. I work full time, I'm in school part time, and I have friends outside of my family. And FYI millions of parents have babies everyday and don't have anyone bringing them meals after their baby is a few months old. Most of them don't have meals after their baby is weeks old.
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Posted by Laura Fri Nov 6, 2009 1:40pm PST
I can understand why you feel upset - but honestly, I don't know why you expect all the help! I have been around alot of families with new babies, and generally it is expected that someone will help out with meals the first day or so, and then you step back and let that family be. And you go back t oyour life, with these people as friends just like before, except they have a baby too, which they CHOSE to have. :-)
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Posted by BrianaR Fri Nov 6, 2009 1:44pm PST
...you had your mom for three MONTHS? I had my mom for three HOURS and a husband that had to work the very night I came home from the hospital. I am incredibly disgusted by this article. The world does not revolve around you because you have a baby. Get over yourself.
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Posted by SHANNON R Fri Nov 6, 2009 2:38pm PST
You had live in help for three months? You had one baby and you expected people to make meals and clean your house? What were you two doing? Did you both become invalids? THREE grown adults couldn't take care of ONE immobile infant and manage to feed yourselves? I could see being upset that you missed their company and their companionship, but you expected these other people to take care of your family. Perhaps you should hire a nanny or a chef and a housekeeper, because it doesn't sound like you wanted people share in your joy and spend time with, it sounds like you wanted maid/cooking service. I wonder how long you all expected to be waited on; six months, a year. My goodness, what would happen if you two were to have another baby?
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Posted by Jen Fri Nov 6, 2009 2:39pm PST
I likewise am disgusted by this article. My mother had premature TWINS and was sick with an infection for a week in the hospital. No one helped her afterwards, and my dad was working two jobs so she basically had to deal with us all alone with not even enough money for diapers or anything. Get over yourself.
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Posted by Social worker grandma Fri Nov 6, 2009 3:20pm PST
"Shannon R" said it all. Time to grow up and step up to the plate. The only way to learn how to care for yourselves with a baby is to start doing it.
Remember: An expectation is the beginning of a resentment. State your needs directly and accept that not everyone will be able to meet them. And do what everyone else does: pay for a sitter.
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