so what is it when ur faced with a choice of pursuing someone u
know could be everything u want but is too scared to try and pushes
u away, no matter how much u reach out and just realizing that its
pointless...how is it my head can tell me all the reasons why im
stupid for continuing to care and wanting more and yet my heart
tells me to go after it no matter the cost...i keep wondering what
things would be like if he let his guard down and we gave
things a try...so much so that it keeps me from really moving
forward...which sucks because a man who i thought i had lost
forever maybe coming back into my life next yr and while i want to
forget this other guy and move 100% towards this new guy...somehow
im stuck and i cant move anywhere..forward or backward...
is it simply a wondering of where things would lead that keeps me
at a standstill??? is it some sick and distorted desire to somehow
win the chase and prove that i was right and he does want me? after
all i am completely messed up when it comes to men..so perhaps my
own neurosis is to blame?...hmmm i hope it is not that..i think
that it is because he is damaged like me...and somehow i think
that the connection we have would completely repair us both and
that we could be together what we would never be apart...but who
knows...maybe im just being completely idealistic and/or
neurotic....idk...sometimes i wish i didnt feel things so
strongly...and i guess i usually dont..which is why when this guy
entered my life and the connection blew me away that it made me
want to see more...so many men have been nothing to me, no
feelings, no connections, no anything...so i was blown over by what
this man brought to me..it changed my perspective...and for a long
time i thought he didnt care because of his words and actions, but
my heart always told me that he did..and i believe that im
right...that i might have some sort of proof...but also proof that
he will never act on what he feels...
so now what?....i try to move on forever wishing that things had
been different? missing him and wishing it was him that i was with?
well that sucks...but perhaps that is what is meant to
happen...maybe he only brings heartache instead of true love and
happiness like i want/hope...i wish there was a magical way to make
your heart line up with your head...to somehow turn your feelings
off and make them go away...but if i could turn these feelings and
longings for him off, would I? hmmm now thats a question to
ponder....
ok so the more i think about this ongoing dilemma in my life...i am constantly reminding myself that life is not like a romantic comedy where men show up on doorsteps to declare there feelings after being assholes and usually there are no happy endings...but dammit...why cant it be that way?? why cant u have the one u have that connection with.,..why is it that we all hide behind these walls and build a facade of who we think people want us to be all the while wishing someone would break through and see us as we really are..and not run away but stay with us forever...but see i think we really feel that when they finally bust over that wall we have painstakenly built that somehow they will be repulsed at what they see...at the real us inside...with all of our damaged parts and not so pretty flaws...but isnt that what love is all about??finding someone you can be open with..and completely bare..flaws and all and finally know that your safe and that you dont have to put on a show or pretend with this person..you can just...be...thats what i want and what i think he wants to...what i think all of us want who have been hurt and devastated by someone we trusted and loved before...perhaps i am just somehow damaged beyond hope and will forever only want those men that will hurt me...the ones that will never give themselves completely and the ones that will take everything i have to give and then move on...i hope and pray that this is not so....that im not doomed to repeat my history over and over....that somewhere out there is someone who is imperfect and damaged and flawed just like me and yet is ready to try anyway...is ready to reach for something bigger and better than either one of us has ever experienced...
i dont know why i cant move on past this guy..who somehow seems just like me...maybe i just see myself in him and i want to erase the hurt and pain like i wish someone would do for me...and yet there is no one...no one to erase the pain...no one to ease the loneliness...no one that i can share my life with...just a broken past filled with broken promises and shattered dreams and all the while i still cant kill that unending desire to love someone completely with every fiber of my being...to finally unlock that part of me that has yearned to be set free for as long as i can remember
i need to move on...i know i do...i know he will only bring me pain unless he makes a decision to try....and yet my heart tells me he wont...even though he may want to..he just cant...and so i will be left to always wonder if he was the one that i was always meant to be with...
