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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr.
20th)
There is an art to persuasion (unless your last name is Michael
Bloomberg, in which case there’s just a lot of money). This week,
you are a grand master in the art of persuasion. You’re the Picasso
of pick-up lines! The Van Gogh of “let’s go”! The Monet of amore!
You get the picture–now get out there and paint the picture.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May
20th)
As Salt-N-Pepa once said, Push it. Push it real good. No matter
what those wussy Geminis say.
gemini (May 21st-June
21st)
All that time at the gym, going shopping, getting your hair cut and
plucking your eyebrows won’t help you this week. Emphasize that
asset that got Shakespeare, George Sands and Oscar Wilde laid:
brains. It’s like Jennifer Aniston said in one of those “The More
You Know” bits on NBC: “Smart is sexier than stupid any day.” And,
boy, she should know.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For
example, if you insist that your partner go see Saw VI with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from
them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone
with good taste in movies. Or if you pressure your lover to open
their backdoor before you agree to meet their ‘rents, that lover
may open said backdoor all over your closet of expensive shoes
before leaving your sorry ass and going back home for a nice family
visit. This week, make especially sure that your actions will
result indesirable equal and opposite
reactions.
leo (July 23rd-Aug.
22nd)
Anxiety is abut as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath and a
root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth
imagery means.) If you want to get laid anytime soon, do whatever
it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least,
do whatever’s legal.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept.
22nd)
Don’t you hate buying private jets? So many to choose from, so
little time. Do you get the one with the three Jacuzzis or the one
that matches your eyes? Whatever your criteria, don’t rush the
process. Choose wisely, because this could be your last new jet for
a while.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct.
23rd)
Do you know why mass-market consulting firms make so much money?
It’s because they have the benefit of mass-experience, thus they
don’t have to create a custom solution for each company they
consult. Rather, they draw on their pool of generalized solutions
and tinker with the one that’s the closest fit until they hit pay
dirt. Well, maybe that’s not exactly how the consulting world
works, but for the sake of a succinct analogy, let’s pretend it
does, okay? We don’t want to promote a mass-market approach to the
pick-up scene, but if you’re having trouble acquiring your, uh,
market share, get a little business-like about the whole thing,
draw on your own pool of solutions (or ask your friends about
theirs) and tinker until you find something that works. (Is it just
us, or does “tinker” sound dirty all of a sudden?)
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov.
22nd)
Okay, we know if we say “See Libra,” you’ll feel gipped. You want
your own special, personalized horoscope. That’s understandable,
because you are special. But sometimes, what’s good for the goose
is good for the gander (whatever that means). And sometimes,
different star signs end up getting their stars crossed, resulting
in very, very similar love and sex advice. So if you know what’s
good for you, you’ll read “Libra” and like it.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec.
21st)
Are you in it for the love or the loot? Yes, we thought as
much.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan.
20th)
This one time in the ’80s, a classmate of Em’s offered to finish
her Rubik’s Cube for her. The concept of the Rubik’s Cube being a
fun pastime and an intentionally time-consuming “puzzle” was somewhat
lost on Em, so she agreed and gave up her brand-new toy for the
afternoon. But her classmate simply removed all the little colored
stickers and replaced them to make it look finished. The fastest way to the finish line
isn’t always the most rewarding. We’re talking about foreplay,
folks. You didn’t know that’s what Hasbro was trying to teach you
back in the ’80s?
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb.
18th)
You charmer, you. You’re generating enough heat to melt another
iceberg. Stock up while it lasts — it’s going to be a long, chilly
Winter and you’re going to need the material.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar.
20th)
Drink martinis (shaken, not stirred), practice your witty repartee
(Woman: “Hi, I’m Plenty.” Bond: “But of course you are.”) and pick
up a few gadgets from The Sharper Image. Channel the spirit of
James Bond this week (the Connery version, naturally), and you’ll
have countless romantic possibilities faster than you can say
“Octo p---- meets Goldfinger.”
